Monday, April 28, 2003
The Return of Joe CuttheShit!
I am lucky.
I am lucky to have such a wonderful family.
I am lucky to have friends that want nothing else than for me to be with them and be happy.
I am lucky to have a boyfriend that loves me more than he loves anyone else.
I am lucky to have a brother that makes me proud daily by doing the things I could never dream of doing.
I am lucky to be alive.
I have had a lot of time to think over the past two weeks. I spent numerous days in bed, staring at the wall. I spent hours on the phone with my parents assuring them that I am not going to kill myself. I saw Kelly’s show and I said goodbye to my brother. There were things that threatened to consume me, but I found a way to barrel through the way I felt. I sit here today, somewhat proud of how well I did and somewhat ashamed that I couldn’t do better. In either case, I am going to write off the last two weeks as a time in my life that I would rather forget. I am hoping to move on and to grow stronger within myself. I am hoping to take care of my depression now, so that I am not stuck in the midst of a crash again. I cringe at the thought of re-visiting last week.
The support I received from this website was overwhelming, to say the least. The fact that there are people in the world that would take time to send emails of encouragement, having never met me before, fills me with a restored faith in humanity. I want to thank everyone for taking the time out of their busy lives to make sure that I was doing alright. The few moments of happiness that I had over the last week was in direct relation to the support I received through my site. Thank you.
Now, onwards and upwards!
Over the last two weeks, Paul has become a boyfriend sent directly from Heaven. He has done all that is in his power to make me smile. I am more in love with Paul now than I ever have been and I feel blessed to have someone like him in my life. Last night, knowing that I said goodbye to my brother yesterday afternoon, Paul showed up at my apartment with a bouquet of flowers and some “take out” dinner. He was the one person that I wanted to see. His smile is so beautiful and when he walked through my door, it took all I had not to jump all over him. As we slept last night, I would wake up to find his arms holding me extra tight. If I moved to the end of the bed, Paul would move too and would rest his hand on my head. I woke up quite a few times to him running his fingers through my hair, or scratching my back with his hand. The tenderness in his touch was exactly what I needed.
I’m not so sure I needed the eight pounds of mashed potatoes that I shoved into my face before going to bed, but still…
The high in NYC today is 83. The sun is shining with full force and there is a light breeze in the air. For lunch I am going to sit in the park and read the newspaper. I am going to look at the river and allow myself to relax. I will take deep breaths of fresh air and then I will shove a cigarette between my lips to counterbalance the oxygen that I don’t deserve. I had originally planned on buying some fruit for lunch (yes, I know…Atkins doesn’t approve of fruit, but he’s dead now so I can have it) but now as my stomach churns and burns with massive hunger pangs, I think “Shit, roast beast sounds mighty good!” Like I would ever eat roast beast. Well, unless it was covered in cheese.
One time…
One time I was at the Warp Tour. Don’t ask me what the “Warp Tour” is if you have never heard of it. I think it’s like Ska bands or something. At the time of the concert, I was trying to be cool so I pretended like I was really into Ska. Now I don’t care and am pretty much proud of the fact that Celine Deon’s “I Drive All Night” is my new favorite song. In any case, while I was at the “Warp Tour”, I decided to grab a bite to eat. Kelly was there with me, as well as our friend, Slam. Yes. I know. But Slam is her real name.
So we go up to this food court type place and we look over the menu. It’s raining outside and everyone is kind of grumpy. There must be 15 people in line and no one is happy to be soaking wet. Suddenly we hear “SNOOPY WANTS FRIES!”
The loud voice made us jump out of our skins. We pressed forward in line with hopes of getting ourselves some fries too. Then again…loud and above all the other noise, we hear “SNOOPY WANTS FRIES!”…….“WITH CHEESE ON IT!” Now we burst out laughing, cuz “cheese on it” and we turn around and catch sight of the guy who is screaming things about “Snoopy”. Lo and behold, this crazy man, has a puppet of Snoopy on his hand and he is acting as though Snoops was really alive. “SNOOPY WANTS FRIES! WITH CHEEEEEEEEEEESE ON IT!”. As he moved closer to the counter, he would twist his wrist so that Snoopy would get more excited about the impending cheese fries. Snoopy had conversations with girls in the line and Snoopy was even holding a 5-dollar bill in his mouth. Probably hoping to pay for the food with his own money. All I remember after that is that Kelly, Slam and I laughed for years. Snoopy wants fries. With cheese on it. Gosh, sometimes you just want to pinch your tits and make sure you are not sleeping…life is too funny.
I have a bruise on my left arm the size of a half dollar bill. Numerous people have asked me what it is from and I honestly don’t know. It just kind of appeared. What I didn’t tell anybody is that last night I laid in bed for 10 minutes convincing myself that it was a lesion. My heart started to pound in my chest and instead of worrying about my health, I thought “What am I possibly going to tell my parents!” I guess that’s a normal reaction, but I think that at some point, I gotta stop worrying so much about mom and dad. They have their own lives afterall and all they want is for me to have the same. Interesting dilemma.
Dilemma = Kelly Rowlands and Nelly.
Boo.
AUDI.
Peace.
I am lucky.
I am lucky to have such a wonderful family.
I am lucky to have friends that want nothing else than for me to be with them and be happy.
I am lucky to have a boyfriend that loves me more than he loves anyone else.
I am lucky to have a brother that makes me proud daily by doing the things I could never dream of doing.
I am lucky to be alive.
I have had a lot of time to think over the past two weeks. I spent numerous days in bed, staring at the wall. I spent hours on the phone with my parents assuring them that I am not going to kill myself. I saw Kelly’s show and I said goodbye to my brother. There were things that threatened to consume me, but I found a way to barrel through the way I felt. I sit here today, somewhat proud of how well I did and somewhat ashamed that I couldn’t do better. In either case, I am going to write off the last two weeks as a time in my life that I would rather forget. I am hoping to move on and to grow stronger within myself. I am hoping to take care of my depression now, so that I am not stuck in the midst of a crash again. I cringe at the thought of re-visiting last week.
The support I received from this website was overwhelming, to say the least. The fact that there are people in the world that would take time to send emails of encouragement, having never met me before, fills me with a restored faith in humanity. I want to thank everyone for taking the time out of their busy lives to make sure that I was doing alright. The few moments of happiness that I had over the last week was in direct relation to the support I received through my site. Thank you.
Now, onwards and upwards!
Over the last two weeks, Paul has become a boyfriend sent directly from Heaven. He has done all that is in his power to make me smile. I am more in love with Paul now than I ever have been and I feel blessed to have someone like him in my life. Last night, knowing that I said goodbye to my brother yesterday afternoon, Paul showed up at my apartment with a bouquet of flowers and some “take out” dinner. He was the one person that I wanted to see. His smile is so beautiful and when he walked through my door, it took all I had not to jump all over him. As we slept last night, I would wake up to find his arms holding me extra tight. If I moved to the end of the bed, Paul would move too and would rest his hand on my head. I woke up quite a few times to him running his fingers through my hair, or scratching my back with his hand. The tenderness in his touch was exactly what I needed.
I’m not so sure I needed the eight pounds of mashed potatoes that I shoved into my face before going to bed, but still…
The high in NYC today is 83. The sun is shining with full force and there is a light breeze in the air. For lunch I am going to sit in the park and read the newspaper. I am going to look at the river and allow myself to relax. I will take deep breaths of fresh air and then I will shove a cigarette between my lips to counterbalance the oxygen that I don’t deserve. I had originally planned on buying some fruit for lunch (yes, I know…Atkins doesn’t approve of fruit, but he’s dead now so I can have it) but now as my stomach churns and burns with massive hunger pangs, I think “Shit, roast beast sounds mighty good!” Like I would ever eat roast beast. Well, unless it was covered in cheese.
One time…
One time I was at the Warp Tour. Don’t ask me what the “Warp Tour” is if you have never heard of it. I think it’s like Ska bands or something. At the time of the concert, I was trying to be cool so I pretended like I was really into Ska. Now I don’t care and am pretty much proud of the fact that Celine Deon’s “I Drive All Night” is my new favorite song. In any case, while I was at the “Warp Tour”, I decided to grab a bite to eat. Kelly was there with me, as well as our friend, Slam. Yes. I know. But Slam is her real name.
So we go up to this food court type place and we look over the menu. It’s raining outside and everyone is kind of grumpy. There must be 15 people in line and no one is happy to be soaking wet. Suddenly we hear “SNOOPY WANTS FRIES!”
The loud voice made us jump out of our skins. We pressed forward in line with hopes of getting ourselves some fries too. Then again…loud and above all the other noise, we hear “SNOOPY WANTS FRIES!”…….“WITH CHEESE ON IT!” Now we burst out laughing, cuz “cheese on it” and we turn around and catch sight of the guy who is screaming things about “Snoopy”. Lo and behold, this crazy man, has a puppet of Snoopy on his hand and he is acting as though Snoops was really alive. “SNOOPY WANTS FRIES! WITH CHEEEEEEEEEEESE ON IT!”. As he moved closer to the counter, he would twist his wrist so that Snoopy would get more excited about the impending cheese fries. Snoopy had conversations with girls in the line and Snoopy was even holding a 5-dollar bill in his mouth. Probably hoping to pay for the food with his own money. All I remember after that is that Kelly, Slam and I laughed for years. Snoopy wants fries. With cheese on it. Gosh, sometimes you just want to pinch your tits and make sure you are not sleeping…life is too funny.
I have a bruise on my left arm the size of a half dollar bill. Numerous people have asked me what it is from and I honestly don’t know. It just kind of appeared. What I didn’t tell anybody is that last night I laid in bed for 10 minutes convincing myself that it was a lesion. My heart started to pound in my chest and instead of worrying about my health, I thought “What am I possibly going to tell my parents!” I guess that’s a normal reaction, but I think that at some point, I gotta stop worrying so much about mom and dad. They have their own lives afterall and all they want is for me to have the same. Interesting dilemma.
Dilemma = Kelly Rowlands and Nelly.
Boo.
AUDI.
Peace.
